there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
