I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
