everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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