do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
