The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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