I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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