You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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