Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
