Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
