eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
