At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
