I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
