Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
