Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
