I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
