Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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