This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
