Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think your dad took our porno
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
