What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
