Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
smell my finger.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
