well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
