Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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