I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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