Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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