DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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