My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
