did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
