I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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