My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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