Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
