he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
