I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You may now shotgun with the bride
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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