So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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