I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
