You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
