I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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