ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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