Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
