If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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