I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
