On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
