bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
