smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
