How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
