The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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