I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
