I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
