It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
