So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
