You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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