did you get engaged???
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
