Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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