Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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