She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize