just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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