mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
as a side note pls kill me
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