Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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