I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
