If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize