my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
