I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
