my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
