I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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